i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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