there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I fill condoms, not promises.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
