the condom got lost in my hair
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
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Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
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CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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