Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
