Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize