i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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