Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
