Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
