i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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