I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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