i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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