im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
