This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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