Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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