Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
