so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
