Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
