when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Your penis caused this!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
