Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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