when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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