haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
