i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
