the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
