I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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