so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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