I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
