I just threw up on my dentist
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
