We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
