This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have aggressive nipples.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
