in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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