only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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