Someone shit on the floor
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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