my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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