Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
