im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
