ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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