I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
