Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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