Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
