Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
