If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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