if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
