i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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