I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
