I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
