Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
