I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
