at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
