I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
two words...techno handjob
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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