you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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