i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
