My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
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