It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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