We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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